2 YEARS!!

Two years ago today Cecily was diagnosed with Autism.  Two years ago today Steve and I held each other in bed devastated as we mourned the loss of our “typical” daughter.  Would we ever get pedicures together?  Would Steve walk her down the aisle?  Life would never be the same.  We would have to find a new normal.  We were thrust to the bottom of a pit…but this was our low, and it would get better.

Here I am…two short years…but 730 LONG days later, and it is much worse than it was back then when she had just turned 2.  I was so naïve in thinking we were at our worst and it would get better.  And some things are better, but most is much worse.  Back then the average person wouldn’t have guessed she had autism.  She didn’t have melt downs, she was so go with the flow.  Today she is so much further behind her peers than she was back then.  I just got a report last week that showed that her expressive language was that of a 12 month old, and her receptive language was that of a 13 month old.  When I read about Cecily on paper it devastates me!  Especially when I have Pippa who is about to be 8 months old.  If she is “typical” she might pass her sister in 5 months!  All of the therapy, all of the flash cards, all of the hours spend talking to her in the last 2 years and we have a 12-13 month old in a 4 year old body.  I’m crying right now as I type it. 

It is exhausting.  Physically…she’s 41 pounds…and as strong as an ox!  But more than it is mentally & emotionally exhausting.  I just told Steve today… “I don’t think I can be her therapist…I just can’t do it anymore…I’m too exhausted!”  When I have a 7 month old to take care of and keep my eyes on Cecily at all times, I have NO time.  I just wish God would specifically tell me what I needed to do to help her.  I pray for wisdom EVERY SINGLE DAY!  I’m not qualified to be the parent of a child with Autism, but God entrusted me with it.  And for this control freak, it is all uncomfortable!  But after the year I had in 2014, I am here in surrender.  The word God gave me at the beginning of the year was “release”.  And I do release her to Him.  She is His to begin with.  But I have a hard time physically doing that.  It sounds good.  I want to.  But how to actually do it…I have no clue.  So I just lift my hands in the air and say that I relinquish control. 

I just wish that I could see the end of the parade.  The part that God already knows.  It makes me think of Casting Crowns’ song “Already There”. 

When I’m lost in the mystery

To you my future is a memory

‘Cause You’re already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You’re already there

One day I’ll stand before You

And look back at the life I’ve lived

I can’t wait to enjoy the view

And see how all the pieces fit

‘Cause You’re already there

Oh to know it is all going to be ok.  To enjoy the ride and not think too much about the destination.  Every day I worry I am losing valuable time.  That she should be further along than she is.  That all the therapists and experts we encounter tell me “any day she is going to talk”.  They have been saying that now for 14 months.  How do I know that…I have been counting. 

Today has been hard.  2 years!!!  I don’t journal…I don’t write.  I’m not very good at it.  But I needed to get something out on paper. 

I do have hope.  I still pray for miraculous healing.  I pray for God to bless our efforts in the therapy we do.  I pray for God to give me the strength to do therapy with her.  As I said before I pray for wisdom.  Wisdom to know what will work for Cecily.  I get articles almost daily from people who want to help because they read an article about autism.  I pray for discernment in knowing what to chase…because at this point I read so much I feel jaded that nothing is going to work.  But she is still my Cecily.  One of the most beautiful creations God has placed in my life.  And I get a glimpse of her here and there.  I just want to get her out, because it hurts so bad to see her so frustrated when she can’t tell me what she wants or needs.  She doesn’t deserve that!  Not that anyone does.  But it is hard to watch your child go through it.  It will be interesting to see where she is a year or two from now.  It is going to go by way too fast.  But I am hoping I will be surprised by how far she has come. 

My Soul Longs

Somewhere around my freshman/sophomore year of high school I had a longing for a little girl.  But I have never been the motherly type.  I didn't get the "nurturing gene".  Even with this longing I knew I wouldn't be a stay at home mom.  I love to work!  I am an achiever...to say the least.  But I still had this longing for a little girl.

When my dad passed away In 2007 I was only 5 or 6 weeks along in my first pregnancy.  I just knew it was going to be a girl!  God had taken away my dad, my hero, the first man I ever loved...so he was going to give me the desire of my heart...that I believe He placed there.  Wives tails say you crave sweets with a girl.  I couldn't even eat fruit my first trimester it was too sweet.  That should have been my first clue.  So at the ultrasound when the technician said "It's a boy!"...the room started spinning!  About 2 minutes later I ask "So are you 40% sure...or 75% sure?" She shows us again.  So I say "so 80% sure?"  She says, "Honey 100%...little girls don't have that"!  Yeah I felt like an idiot!  I proceeded to cry for weeks.  For whatever reason I was heartbroken!

I can't imagine life without my little BFF Satchel...but I have to be honest...he rocked my world.  BIG TIME!!  I never realized how incredibly much I loved my independence...and how selfish I am.  And truly how much WORK kids are.  Before Satchel was born Steve and I always talked about having 2 kids.  We were both in agreement.  So it came as a surprise to Steve (and myself) that after Satchel was born I decided I was good with one.  That was an interesting time in our marriage.  I am a big believer in counseling so I drug Steve with me.  We talked about things.  I made my case for being done...Steve made his case for another.  The counselor responded with "AJ it sounds like you know what you want.  Steve it sounds like you know what you want.  You can't have half of a kid.  Have you ever thought of what God has for you?"

I wanted to punch her in the face!  After much discussion (and A LOT of prayer on my side) we did decide to put it in God's hands.  I even reminded myself of one of the most misconstrued Christian catch phrases of 'God won't give me more than I can handle' right?!?!!  At that moment I chose to believe it.  So I was numb when I took a test and it was positive.  Instantly I just knew it was a boy.  I fed myself a lie that surely God wouldn't give me the desires of my heart...even if I think He placed it there.  I was even beginning to think it was my own selfish desire to have a girl. I started to believe I was destined for disappointment.  When the technician told us "it's a girl" the room spun again...for a different reason.  And I cried for a different reason. They were truly tears of joy...it was such a weird thing...I had never sobbed because I was happy before!

Then my sweet Cecily Lola came into our lives and I was smitten.  And I set my expectations for the worst...and it wasn't that bad.  I have come to find that most of life's circumstances can be controlled by managing your expectations!  What I knew was that God had given me this desire in my heart.  And as much as I wouldn't have admitted it, maybe I wasn't ready for her the first time around.  Second time around I was able to appreciate every moment with her.  We had such a wonderful year 1 with her. But somewhere between 15 and 18 months we lost bits of her.  She stopped talking, she wouldn't look us in the eye, and we realized she wasn't hitting milestones.  We wanted to hold on to hope, but we knew something wasn't right.  Then we got the diagnosis that confirmed our suspicions.  Autism.  Talk about NOT understanding what God had up His sleeve. My biggest question was..."God, why would you give me this desire for a little girl, only to have my hopes dashed by the fact that the world will view her as 'flawed'!"  I sat and thought and listened and nothing. But that was the question I asked every day. Then one day He gave me the answer. As I asked again "Why give me the desire of my heart only to have her be diagnosed with autism?!?"

He spoke to me as clear as I could understand. "I didn't give you the desire for a little girl, I gave you a soul connection with the person in this world that will teach you the most about My character...who just so happens to be a girl".

It stopped me in my tracks.  At that moment I more than accepted her diagnosis. Not that I liked it...and not that I wouldn't change it if I could, but I knew now more than ever that Cecily and I would have the most amazing relationship.  It still is unfathomable to me that I had this desire...or maybe a vision...of this little girl.  Not just any little girl...but Cecily Lola.  My soul longed for her...and only her...exactly how God created her to be.  All those years ago when I only saw pink hair bows and princesses, He let me see that so I would know exactly how special she would be to me.  And now each day that passes I see life in a completely different light, living each moment as it is before me, and completely open to what God has for me.  And wondering as I wake up each day what He is going to show me through her. And her innate joy and zest for life that I wish I had.  And she is only 2!  I'm overjoyed to have a front row seat to watching her life unfold...and how Steve, Satchel and I will be better people because of her...just as she is.

My New Journey

I used to blog. Then my dad passed away...and so did my words. I was pregnant with Satchel when he died...so I missed writing about my early days with Satchel. I wondered if the words would ever come back. I really didn't think so. Fast forward 6 years and here we are. Today is my last day at Provident...my dream job...the only full time job I have had since I graduated from Pepperdine. Next month I would have celebrated 13 years there. It's hard to believe! I spent as much time in that job as I did in K-12th! Crazy! The elusive email went out from my supervisor that I would be leaving and would be pursuing other opportunities. The fact of the matter is that is not exactly the case. The other "opportunity" found me.

It's funny...everyone typically thinks they have figured out what my new opportunity will be. The consensus is something like "you're going to be working with Steve aren't you." (In case you hadn't heard that news...it is true. Steve did start his own company 'Strouty Nation Entertainment'.) But that is not the case.

On April 9th we heard the sobering words..."Your daughter has autism." I can't say I was shocked. She is different. She is special. She is...well our Cecily. It was NOT a feeling of relief. It was a sigh of "this is why it has been so hard!" We are still grieving. But I can honestly say these last 8 months of my life have changed me...for the better. There are so many stories that will be unfolded. And I have decided I am going to do that here. In this blog. So I can document this journey. And remember this season in my life that I know will change my life forever.

So today I let go of my job. For this career driven woman it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I probably have idolized my job to an extent. I have let it become a part of my identity. I love everything about it! To be a part of Sony Music to start with. But mainly because of the artists! Their music has impacted my life in a way I never could have imagined! Monk & Neagle's "Dancing With The Angels" and Casting Crowns' "Praise You in This Storm" during the season when we lost my dad. Honestly the Casting Crowns song "I Know You're There" is one of my all time favorite songs! Third Day's whole "Revelation" record after I became a mom. Third Day was honestly a big reason why I moved to Nashville to begin with! I remember sending Kerrie Roberts' song "Keep Breathing" to multiple friends who were going through a tough time. Tenth Avenue North has had many songs that impacted my life, but I remember hearing "You Are More" for the first time when I was driving and I had to pull the car over as I wept. Revive's song "Blink" which always reminds me to stay in the moment. Lindsay McCaul's whole record "If It Leads Me Back" when I was on maternity leave with Cecily. Casting Crowns' song "Already There" and Matt Maher's "Lord, I Need You" as we started this journey with Cecily. And then Tim Timmons...basically his whole record "Cast My Cares" gets me through each day currently. There are so many more...too many to name! But what an honor it has been to also work with Royal Tailor, Leeland, Until June, Wavorly, Fireflight, T-Bone, Jars of Clay, Rebecca St. James, Building 429, One Sonic Society, Brandon Heath, Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Moriah Peters, and more.  None of this would have been possible without the Audio Adrenaline guys who took a chance and hired me as a Flicker Chick.  Bob, Mark and Will you will always be big brothers to me!  Glamorous Jo & Troy...we made the transition from Flicker to Provident and have remained strong!  I'm also thankful to everyone at Provident.  Special thanks to Terry Hemmings, Dean Diehl, Ben Howard, Darren Elrod, Mark Giles, Jim Colella, Jimmy Wheeler, Nina Williams, Holly Zabka, Jackie Marushka, Bryan Ward, Barbara Hughes, Vickie Willis & Jessie Peacock who have given me great advice and believed in me!  Brian Dishon...you have taught me so much, believed in me, encouraged me and taught me so much about leadership!  Thank you!  My friends who have done great Radio...Karrie Hardwick, Jason Miller, Whitney Harrison, Jaclyn Shields, Holly Singleton, Hannah Lee, Chuckles Van Dyke, Katie Green, Shimmy, Ali Tigh, Sarah Leyda, Matt Mundt & Jennifer Boise. We have made some great memories!  And to all the other Provident employees who would be way too long to list here...thank you for being friends and walking beside me in this journey.  Steve Strout...well...I will save that for the blog posts ahead.  You are everything to me...but you have taught me so much in the workplace as well.  Lastly to all of my radio peeps across the country.  You are a big reason why I have been able to do this for this long!  I will be in touch! 

 

Tomorrow starts the new journey.  I embrace the growth, pruning and amazing memories that will be created.  Lord, let me see You every day as I wake, and let me be focused on the ways You will show up in life, as opposed to what I am missing out on.  Let me sense Your grace around me, and mostly keep me in each moment with Cecily.  May You allow for us to create the most special relationship.  And for the work we put in, may it bless me and be fruitful in Cecily's life.