2 YEARS!!

Two years ago today Cecily was diagnosed with Autism.  Two years ago today Steve and I held each other in bed devastated as we mourned the loss of our “typical” daughter.  Would we ever get pedicures together?  Would Steve walk her down the aisle?  Life would never be the same.  We would have to find a new normal.  We were thrust to the bottom of a pit…but this was our low, and it would get better.

Here I am…two short years…but 730 LONG days later, and it is much worse than it was back then when she had just turned 2.  I was so naïve in thinking we were at our worst and it would get better.  And some things are better, but most is much worse.  Back then the average person wouldn’t have guessed she had autism.  She didn’t have melt downs, she was so go with the flow.  Today she is so much further behind her peers than she was back then.  I just got a report last week that showed that her expressive language was that of a 12 month old, and her receptive language was that of a 13 month old.  When I read about Cecily on paper it devastates me!  Especially when I have Pippa who is about to be 8 months old.  If she is “typical” she might pass her sister in 5 months!  All of the therapy, all of the flash cards, all of the hours spend talking to her in the last 2 years and we have a 12-13 month old in a 4 year old body.  I’m crying right now as I type it. 

It is exhausting.  Physically…she’s 41 pounds…and as strong as an ox!  But more than it is mentally & emotionally exhausting.  I just told Steve today… “I don’t think I can be her therapist…I just can’t do it anymore…I’m too exhausted!”  When I have a 7 month old to take care of and keep my eyes on Cecily at all times, I have NO time.  I just wish God would specifically tell me what I needed to do to help her.  I pray for wisdom EVERY SINGLE DAY!  I’m not qualified to be the parent of a child with Autism, but God entrusted me with it.  And for this control freak, it is all uncomfortable!  But after the year I had in 2014, I am here in surrender.  The word God gave me at the beginning of the year was “release”.  And I do release her to Him.  She is His to begin with.  But I have a hard time physically doing that.  It sounds good.  I want to.  But how to actually do it…I have no clue.  So I just lift my hands in the air and say that I relinquish control. 

I just wish that I could see the end of the parade.  The part that God already knows.  It makes me think of Casting Crowns’ song “Already There”. 

When I’m lost in the mystery

To you my future is a memory

‘Cause You’re already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You’re already there

One day I’ll stand before You

And look back at the life I’ve lived

I can’t wait to enjoy the view

And see how all the pieces fit

‘Cause You’re already there

Oh to know it is all going to be ok.  To enjoy the ride and not think too much about the destination.  Every day I worry I am losing valuable time.  That she should be further along than she is.  That all the therapists and experts we encounter tell me “any day she is going to talk”.  They have been saying that now for 14 months.  How do I know that…I have been counting. 

Today has been hard.  2 years!!!  I don’t journal…I don’t write.  I’m not very good at it.  But I needed to get something out on paper. 

I do have hope.  I still pray for miraculous healing.  I pray for God to bless our efforts in the therapy we do.  I pray for God to give me the strength to do therapy with her.  As I said before I pray for wisdom.  Wisdom to know what will work for Cecily.  I get articles almost daily from people who want to help because they read an article about autism.  I pray for discernment in knowing what to chase…because at this point I read so much I feel jaded that nothing is going to work.  But she is still my Cecily.  One of the most beautiful creations God has placed in my life.  And I get a glimpse of her here and there.  I just want to get her out, because it hurts so bad to see her so frustrated when she can’t tell me what she wants or needs.  She doesn’t deserve that!  Not that anyone does.  But it is hard to watch your child go through it.  It will be interesting to see where she is a year or two from now.  It is going to go by way too fast.  But I am hoping I will be surprised by how far she has come.